Brain Pain: A day of thinking, wishing and realizing

The following is the thoughts...rants...drabbles...and daydreams of today. Be warned that they are fickle and confusing.



I've been thinking:

I'm an extremly romantic and passionate person. At least, I like to fancy myself as one. I'm the type of girl that recites love letters, sings love songs and dedicates them to my 'someone-very-special'. I've always done it.

When my recent affair with a man, who might I add, I'm quite sure was and still is my soulmate, ended I did something I don't commonly do. I've explained myself in a previous post as a person who doesn't cut things out. I never have. I learn from and accept the pain that certain things bring to me. I've had a serious relationship or two in my past...and with them ending come certain things that remind me of that particular period of my life. I've categorized them as the following:

D. Era-My first love: "Lord of the Rings, the start of my anime obcession, Culinary arts."

S.P. Era-The one I let go: "DDR, Sushi/Japanese, Video Games, Comics"

Husband Era-The now and future: "W.O.W., Our son, Movie quotes"


Thoes that are close to me know that I have not shut out in any possible way any of these past things I've liked...and if I have it wasn't because of the pain that came along with thinking of the Ex that corrosponded with the activity. So why...as the new Era of my life ends...did I find myself doing the exact opposite? So that brings us now to the new Era, which happens to be the only one that is attached to me by a string of songs.

E/D M. Era-The Affair

Because there are quite a few songs that remind me of this particular person, I don't really feel the need to list them off all. But I will meantion the one that really gets to me.

"Follow Me" By: Uncle Kracker.

During the eve of the affair ending, I found myself possibly temporarily isane as I went over to my friends house and walked in on her playing a song that had only just became sensitive to me.
She must have seen the look on my face. Or, quite possibly it was because of the breakdown I had as I stumbled into her doorway and fell to my knees, tears streaming down my face as I screamed that it was over. Either way, the song was promptly turned off. I was numb as I quietly whispered the words he once sang to me to myself.

"
You don't know how you met me...
You don't know why
You can't turn around and say goodbye...
"

I stopped at goodbye. I sat on the floor of my friends kitchen, rocking back and forth slightly as I stared off into space while watching her eat pogos. I decided then that enough was enough. I didn't want to be reminded of him...I didn't even want to be reminded that I didn't want to be reminded of him. I went home that night and ditched a playlist that consisted of 78 songs.

They were were 78 opportunities to be reminded of him. 78 chances for me to break down and cry. 78 moments where I would miss him. 78 times for me to re realise it was over.

I named the playlist "Immortal Beloved" after a quote from Beethoven I once sent to him.

"Though, still in bed, my thoughts go out to you my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, and then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can only live wholy with you or not at all ..."

I didn't know how ironic that quote would end up becomming. For without him...I wasn't whole...so much so that I felt the need to delete 78 songs.

That was alittle over a week ago. And now, I think now about that sudden change in myself and realize it was a step in the wrong direction. Deleting...trying to forget. That certainly wasnt the answer. I'm not going to say that I'm going to specifically stick on that song that he once sung to me...but I'm not going to let it break me down when I hear it. The lyrics...which fitted him and I once so perfectly...now transform into words I'm certain cause him to think of another. And, like I have so many times before in my other 'Eras', when something causes me to think of him...I'll look at the good times we had, not dwell on the saddness laced within.

"
All you know is when you're with me
I make you free...
"

Never have I ever agreed on something more.




I've been wishing:

I realise that I'm going back to the United States in the very near future. I havn't been home in almost 2 years, and it's been closing in on 4 since I ran away. I find myself slowly moving closer to the man of my affair-distance wise. Yet, I can't help but feel-relationship wise-that things are drifting apart. I'm sure it's just me being an idiot. I'm looking forward to alot of things. I'm hoping this trip will be filed under my "Made the year 2010" shelf. There are some many things that I'm wanting to do. Hoping to get to see. And a few thing that I wish to do.

Namely, meet the man behind the affair.

But not to restart the affair... and certainly not to lay all my fears and desires out on the table for him to pick and take what he wants. Not even for the chance that he just might decide that he is in love with me fully again. So. Not. Ever. Happening, by the way.

I wish to meet him to just say three little words.

"Thank you, babe."

Not the ones you were expecting?

This man....the love we shared...has taught me more about myself than I ever hoped to learn. From his actions-the good and the bad-I learned how to be a stronger person. A better, more confidant woman. His support now has helped me start my journey. And I could never thank him enough. Our relationship helped to strengthen my marriage and our mistakes helped me to rebuild bridges I thought that were once collapsing.

I owe him so much more than three little words. The depth of the friendship and feelings I have with him spans wider now than an ocean. We've loved eachother. Learned together. And both felt pain. We each now walk along our own paths, but our destinies are intertwined, and I doubt we can ever let eachother go. I wouldn't want to. Through him, though our great 'love' has ended...an even greater friendship rises from it's ashes.

Very Pheonixey.

Perhaps thats why the first thing I'm doing when I go back home is getting my pheonix tattoo. This...'event'...has led me to ponder often on the Pheonix.

And it was only today that I realized something:

It's a symbol that's a perfect interpretation of my life as it is now. Death. Rebirth. Reinterpretation of something. Goodbye Love-Hello Friendship. End of the affair. Restart at my marriage.


So, like the mighty Phoenix I now arise from the ashes of my past existance. And I'm ready to continue on my path. My wings are open, catching a gust of wind, and i'm starting now to continue my trek into The Forest.

Ready or not...here I come.