Cycle Breaking Pt, 1: For real?

Im so tired of this.

This anxiety is eating me alive.

I dont even know anymore what the hell I'm worried about. But whatever it is...I doubt I even have to worry in the first place.

I hate days like this. I hate when my phone is silent and facebook is empty. When my friends are together, so I recieve no news. Or my friends are taking alone time to sort their own shit out. It leaves me alone. When I'm alone, I think. When I think, I worry. When I worry...everything goes down from there.I hate that I depend on them so much to be happy or to have a good day.

My mind creates this scenarios and delusions that seem so very real and possible.

So. Fucking. Possible.

And that's what gets me into trouble.

It's thundering, now. I'm sure there's lightning but I'm too much of a chickenshit to look out the window. I hate the noise. No one knows why. I dont even know why, sometimes. So here I sit. Alone. Amidst the booms and bangs of nature's fury raging outside, crying and I dont even know why. Sometimes I'm certain I'm loopy. Fruit-Loopy, even.

I sat today and looked at my pills. Contemplated for almost an hour on them. Are they chaining me down? Are they keeping me from walking through the unknown Forest that symbolizes the re-birth of my life? I so very much want to believe that this is true. That I dont need them...

I stopped a few days ago taking my Effexor. Well, not so much as stopped, but I was too fucking depressed and in a mindfuck to remember that I had to take them. Being in a love triangle-but not really love triangle-type-thing can do that to a person, I guess. For 3 days straight I denied my body of it. But doing so changed nothing.

I cried. I obcessed. I worried. And eventually, I became physically sick. The only little bit of thing that changed was that I rashly deleted a friend off of Facebook for angry/selfish/jealous/bitchy reasons, which hours later I regretted horribly. Yeah...not a good thing to do.

That's why I started the damn things in the first place, I remembered. (and that's intentional Yoda-Speak, thank you) To be normal. To not be so damn emotional. Because something so silly shouldn't make me so angry. So that everytime I hear a fucking line of a certain song I dont break down and cry. I took them so that I could smile and be strong...not cry and give up all the time.

So, this morning I took it again.

And now, so far...little change, (though I am already less angry for no reason). But the saddness is still there.

For real?

You're kidding, right? Is this just the real me? Am I doomed to fail before I even start? Everyone thinks its a joke...my pill taking. I'm told that 'all people have bad days' and 'theyre holding you back...they're a crutch'.

Maybe they're right. Maybe...just maybe the real 'me' is the one I am now. The 'strong, Fuck you, world' me...maybe that was the fake. The one that needed to be surpressed. Am I really just a whiny, sniffling, coward...and that's why the medication doesn't work. Because I'm just meant to be this depressed and sad all the time? They already worked to make me normal?

And...if that is the case...if taking them makse me normal...should I go back to the old me?

welcome to my mindfuck.

I'll know in a few days if the Effexor changes anything. I'm so tired of these Highs and Lows of happy and sadness. They're becomming more and more extreme. I just want to genuinley smile again and I'm so...very...unbelievably tired of crying. I'm tired of being this 'dependant on constant contact from people I care about', person. Once in my life...can't I be the unreliant?

I'm going to work towards breaking this cycle, damnit. I need to learn to be lonley and not let it consume me. Because I'm never truley alone. I have people that love me, and care for me and I know that. My brain just forgets all the time and sticks me into this dependant fucking slump.

So with or without the pills I'm continuing to venture further in to The Forest.

I need a change. My dependant tendancies are the first thing going.

I'll never forget the love and support I have of my friends and loved ones. It's what's keeping me going on this journey that I take in finding the true me.