The Calm Before the Storm?

I'm wondering now if I'm walking into the calm before the storm. The eye of the hurricane, perhaps, when everything is still and peaceful, before destruction hits.

So much is riding on this vacation that it's almost going to make or break many things. I became physically sick last night from what I'm guessing is nerves, and it's causing me to wonder if this trip is going to do more harm than good. But I need out of this god forsaken nomans land. I need civilization. I need a mall, for christs sake.

Im packed and beyond prepared. I have, like, 6 lists already made up. Things for the car ride down, Things for the airport, Things to remember, Things to remind people about. Things...things...things...

I feel overly prepared now, to the point where I'm worried. I wonder if that's what people feel like when they live in the midwest in Tornado Alley? They've got their cellars all stocked, but they still fear the unknown possiblities of the storm. I can relate.

I'm anxious, thats for sure, but what I dont know. Being back at home with my family? Meeting my Ohio friends for the first time? The traveling? How about d: All of the above.

Still, regardless of how much my nerves are affecting me I know deep down inside I need this trip. I need to be distracted. I need to be away from facebook for copious amounts of time. I need to get back to being me...before I was so dependant on my friends.

Thats my goal, at least.

Bitter Days.

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else in return.

His heart is breaking, his mind confused. Unsure but at the same time so sure of what he wants.

What is a girl to do when the one you love just doesn't love you?

I just want him to smile again. He says only she can make him do that. Yet she causes him so much anguish.

I did see him smile...and for one blissful, perfect week-after so many that were less than perfect-we were in sync.

But were we?

I feel so bitter today.

He's in pain and I blame her. I don't want to, though.

But I love him. I support him...and if he chooses to try again with her, I'll smile after I cry.

I'll smile because I know he'll be happy.

I'll cry because I'll know he'll be happy.

He said to me yesterday that he hated that he caused me pain.

I hate it, too. But I'm working on fixing the fact that his happieness causes me to be bitter.

I want to make our friendship work.

The road to switching someone from the "lover" zone to the "friend" zone is certainly filled with potholes.

I'm working on filling them.

No more bitter days...that emotion will only distract me from my path through the Dark Forest.

Back and Forth.

I dont know how I feel about certain things anymore. I know what I want to feel. I know what I should feel. But I can't quite place where I am right now. I feel like I'm being tugged. Back and Forth. This way and That.

I went boating for the first time yesterday. Being on the water, sitting at the front of the boat as it sliced beautifully through the dark waters of Great Slave Lake, was enlightening. I feel as if my life is like a boat-slicing through the waters of uncertainty. Sometimes, however, the waves hit the boat back. And right now the uncertainty threatens to capsize my little boat.

I need to hold strong. I need to anchor myself. I need to remember that I am in the 'friend zone' now.

And I need to drown my little green monster.

I've been smiling again and it feels good. My best friend told me the other day that I looked good and almost back to my old self again. And I smiled back and sincerly thanked her before crying.

"I'm trying my hardest", I said.

She half-smiled, understanding filling her eyes, "Thats all that matter, hun."


I'm delving myself into cooking again. It's the only thing I can do to help me pass the alone days. I'm determined to cook every recipe in a new cookbook i've recently bought. It's vegetarian-so it'll be very waistline friendly. (Which, I'm extatic about since I had an 'I'm fat and ugly' breakdown on Friday. I breifly considered diet pills, but I'm too concerned about the possibility of abusing them and ending up like my mother dearest..so I'm not going to bother)

I've cooked 6 recipes from the cookbook so far and I'm absolutley in love with it. Dinner tonight and desert will be number 7 and 8. I've never had a cookbook that I've been so interested in before so I'm loving exploring new recipes each day. Tonight it's mushroom ravioli in a sage browned butter for dinner. I hoping to sit back with something alcoholic, eat and watch TrueBlood. Relax.

I leave for vacation in 5 days. I look forward so much to it. I have so many important people that I need to see. And ones I need to hug and thank.

But again, back and forth emotions confuse me.

I need to figure things out. Now. And I need to stay strong and continue on my path through the forest.

Brain Pain: A day of thinking, wishing and realizing

The following is the thoughts...rants...drabbles...and daydreams of today. Be warned that they are fickle and confusing.



I've been thinking:

I'm an extremly romantic and passionate person. At least, I like to fancy myself as one. I'm the type of girl that recites love letters, sings love songs and dedicates them to my 'someone-very-special'. I've always done it.

When my recent affair with a man, who might I add, I'm quite sure was and still is my soulmate, ended I did something I don't commonly do. I've explained myself in a previous post as a person who doesn't cut things out. I never have. I learn from and accept the pain that certain things bring to me. I've had a serious relationship or two in my past...and with them ending come certain things that remind me of that particular period of my life. I've categorized them as the following:

D. Era-My first love: "Lord of the Rings, the start of my anime obcession, Culinary arts."

S.P. Era-The one I let go: "DDR, Sushi/Japanese, Video Games, Comics"

Husband Era-The now and future: "W.O.W., Our son, Movie quotes"


Thoes that are close to me know that I have not shut out in any possible way any of these past things I've liked...and if I have it wasn't because of the pain that came along with thinking of the Ex that corrosponded with the activity. So why...as the new Era of my life ends...did I find myself doing the exact opposite? So that brings us now to the new Era, which happens to be the only one that is attached to me by a string of songs.

E/D M. Era-The Affair

Because there are quite a few songs that remind me of this particular person, I don't really feel the need to list them off all. But I will meantion the one that really gets to me.

"Follow Me" By: Uncle Kracker.

During the eve of the affair ending, I found myself possibly temporarily isane as I went over to my friends house and walked in on her playing a song that had only just became sensitive to me.
She must have seen the look on my face. Or, quite possibly it was because of the breakdown I had as I stumbled into her doorway and fell to my knees, tears streaming down my face as I screamed that it was over. Either way, the song was promptly turned off. I was numb as I quietly whispered the words he once sang to me to myself.

"
You don't know how you met me...
You don't know why
You can't turn around and say goodbye...
"

I stopped at goodbye. I sat on the floor of my friends kitchen, rocking back and forth slightly as I stared off into space while watching her eat pogos. I decided then that enough was enough. I didn't want to be reminded of him...I didn't even want to be reminded that I didn't want to be reminded of him. I went home that night and ditched a playlist that consisted of 78 songs.

They were were 78 opportunities to be reminded of him. 78 chances for me to break down and cry. 78 moments where I would miss him. 78 times for me to re realise it was over.

I named the playlist "Immortal Beloved" after a quote from Beethoven I once sent to him.

"Though, still in bed, my thoughts go out to you my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, and then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can only live wholy with you or not at all ..."

I didn't know how ironic that quote would end up becomming. For without him...I wasn't whole...so much so that I felt the need to delete 78 songs.

That was alittle over a week ago. And now, I think now about that sudden change in myself and realize it was a step in the wrong direction. Deleting...trying to forget. That certainly wasnt the answer. I'm not going to say that I'm going to specifically stick on that song that he once sung to me...but I'm not going to let it break me down when I hear it. The lyrics...which fitted him and I once so perfectly...now transform into words I'm certain cause him to think of another. And, like I have so many times before in my other 'Eras', when something causes me to think of him...I'll look at the good times we had, not dwell on the saddness laced within.

"
All you know is when you're with me
I make you free...
"

Never have I ever agreed on something more.




I've been wishing:

I realise that I'm going back to the United States in the very near future. I havn't been home in almost 2 years, and it's been closing in on 4 since I ran away. I find myself slowly moving closer to the man of my affair-distance wise. Yet, I can't help but feel-relationship wise-that things are drifting apart. I'm sure it's just me being an idiot. I'm looking forward to alot of things. I'm hoping this trip will be filed under my "Made the year 2010" shelf. There are some many things that I'm wanting to do. Hoping to get to see. And a few thing that I wish to do.

Namely, meet the man behind the affair.

But not to restart the affair... and certainly not to lay all my fears and desires out on the table for him to pick and take what he wants. Not even for the chance that he just might decide that he is in love with me fully again. So. Not. Ever. Happening, by the way.

I wish to meet him to just say three little words.

"Thank you, babe."

Not the ones you were expecting?

This man....the love we shared...has taught me more about myself than I ever hoped to learn. From his actions-the good and the bad-I learned how to be a stronger person. A better, more confidant woman. His support now has helped me start my journey. And I could never thank him enough. Our relationship helped to strengthen my marriage and our mistakes helped me to rebuild bridges I thought that were once collapsing.

I owe him so much more than three little words. The depth of the friendship and feelings I have with him spans wider now than an ocean. We've loved eachother. Learned together. And both felt pain. We each now walk along our own paths, but our destinies are intertwined, and I doubt we can ever let eachother go. I wouldn't want to. Through him, though our great 'love' has ended...an even greater friendship rises from it's ashes.

Very Pheonixey.

Perhaps thats why the first thing I'm doing when I go back home is getting my pheonix tattoo. This...'event'...has led me to ponder often on the Pheonix.

And it was only today that I realized something:

It's a symbol that's a perfect interpretation of my life as it is now. Death. Rebirth. Reinterpretation of something. Goodbye Love-Hello Friendship. End of the affair. Restart at my marriage.


So, like the mighty Phoenix I now arise from the ashes of my past existance. And I'm ready to continue on my path. My wings are open, catching a gust of wind, and i'm starting now to continue my trek into The Forest.

Ready or not...here I come.

Cycle Breaking Pt, 1: For real?

Im so tired of this.

This anxiety is eating me alive.

I dont even know anymore what the hell I'm worried about. But whatever it is...I doubt I even have to worry in the first place.

I hate days like this. I hate when my phone is silent and facebook is empty. When my friends are together, so I recieve no news. Or my friends are taking alone time to sort their own shit out. It leaves me alone. When I'm alone, I think. When I think, I worry. When I worry...everything goes down from there.I hate that I depend on them so much to be happy or to have a good day.

My mind creates this scenarios and delusions that seem so very real and possible.

So. Fucking. Possible.

And that's what gets me into trouble.

It's thundering, now. I'm sure there's lightning but I'm too much of a chickenshit to look out the window. I hate the noise. No one knows why. I dont even know why, sometimes. So here I sit. Alone. Amidst the booms and bangs of nature's fury raging outside, crying and I dont even know why. Sometimes I'm certain I'm loopy. Fruit-Loopy, even.

I sat today and looked at my pills. Contemplated for almost an hour on them. Are they chaining me down? Are they keeping me from walking through the unknown Forest that symbolizes the re-birth of my life? I so very much want to believe that this is true. That I dont need them...

I stopped a few days ago taking my Effexor. Well, not so much as stopped, but I was too fucking depressed and in a mindfuck to remember that I had to take them. Being in a love triangle-but not really love triangle-type-thing can do that to a person, I guess. For 3 days straight I denied my body of it. But doing so changed nothing.

I cried. I obcessed. I worried. And eventually, I became physically sick. The only little bit of thing that changed was that I rashly deleted a friend off of Facebook for angry/selfish/jealous/bitchy reasons, which hours later I regretted horribly. Yeah...not a good thing to do.

That's why I started the damn things in the first place, I remembered. (and that's intentional Yoda-Speak, thank you) To be normal. To not be so damn emotional. Because something so silly shouldn't make me so angry. So that everytime I hear a fucking line of a certain song I dont break down and cry. I took them so that I could smile and be strong...not cry and give up all the time.

So, this morning I took it again.

And now, so far...little change, (though I am already less angry for no reason). But the saddness is still there.

For real?

You're kidding, right? Is this just the real me? Am I doomed to fail before I even start? Everyone thinks its a joke...my pill taking. I'm told that 'all people have bad days' and 'theyre holding you back...they're a crutch'.

Maybe they're right. Maybe...just maybe the real 'me' is the one I am now. The 'strong, Fuck you, world' me...maybe that was the fake. The one that needed to be surpressed. Am I really just a whiny, sniffling, coward...and that's why the medication doesn't work. Because I'm just meant to be this depressed and sad all the time? They already worked to make me normal?

And...if that is the case...if taking them makse me normal...should I go back to the old me?

welcome to my mindfuck.

I'll know in a few days if the Effexor changes anything. I'm so tired of these Highs and Lows of happy and sadness. They're becomming more and more extreme. I just want to genuinley smile again and I'm so...very...unbelievably tired of crying. I'm tired of being this 'dependant on constant contact from people I care about', person. Once in my life...can't I be the unreliant?

I'm going to work towards breaking this cycle, damnit. I need to learn to be lonley and not let it consume me. Because I'm never truley alone. I have people that love me, and care for me and I know that. My brain just forgets all the time and sticks me into this dependant fucking slump.

So with or without the pills I'm continuing to venture further in to The Forest.

I need a change. My dependant tendancies are the first thing going.

I'll never forget the love and support I have of my friends and loved ones. It's what's keeping me going on this journey that I take in finding the true me.

My life as it is now: The Forest

I ask you now to imagine the feelings a traveler must have as she approaches the edge of The Forest. The thoughts and fears that she must feel about heading into the unknown that towers before her like a wall of wood and leaves.

Wondering to herself if she's made the right choice, she'd turn back, unsure of herself, and look behind her. The familiar paths that she's taken so many times beckon for her ardently and the worn out trails her feet are used to seem like the easier roads to take. She'd look around and see the spreading crimson sunlight shining on everything. She'd turn around to the forest and walk to one of the massive trees that is staring her down like a mighty sentinal.

The Forest is big and cold. The wild unknown that is sure to lie deep in thoes woods excite and numb her at the same time. Her spirit soars, urging her to go forth and move on. Her mind begs for her to turn back away from the unknown...back into the warm sunlight. The trees and plants meld into a dark labyrith. The sounds of the forest would hit her deep into her core, shaking her to the bone. The winds that blow across the grass are gentle but the trees sway and threaten to break up high and the leaves seem to whisper to her as they move about in the breeze.

She has come to the point where now she must make the decision.

I am that woman. I can no longer walk through land I can see and now must take the first step into the vast unknown. The Forest looms before me and everything about it seems to instill a deep gutwrenching fear inside every fiber of my being.

I hate change. Im a person who is comfortable with the familiar. I have routines. I make lists. I am schedualed. I was a traveler who took only the paths I knew...never to step away from them. Well, recently that didn't work out too well for me. I need now, to embrace the pain I felt when my life was turned upside down from one person, and learn from it. Not let it keep bringing me down, drowning me.

I'm not the type to shut painful events that happened in my life out. Im a person of nostaliga...my goal being to learn from all that is happened and to not repeat it. That is why I can not cut people out of my life. That is why...no matter how smart at times the decision is for me to banish them from my life...I will never do it. I want to adapt. I want to be okay with things changing. I want to be able to be the person who can be okay with the unkown. I want to live more vulnerably and less 'bubble-boy'...or girl in this situation.

I'm so very tired of being afraid of that god damned Forest. I am strong. The heavy chains-my fear of the unknown-need to be broken.

I stand now, facing The Forest, waiting to begin my journey. I'm ready and hoping that this will take me to new places inside myself.

And as I start this adventure I smile. The memorys of the past...and the actions-I'll keep them with me always. Not vauge, however, but forthright. I will remember what I did...I will cherish was I was told...and I will lock away in my heart forever the feelings I held. They will never escape.

My friends will stand by me and help to clear some of the struggles on my new path. Im sure the one I once desired as a lover will support me for he is now a dearly beloved friend. My family will keep me strong and stable.

I remember a poem from Tolkien. One which I often recited but never took to heart until now.

Still 'round the corner there may wait,
A new road or secret gate.
And though i've often passed them by,
A day will come at last when I;
Shall take the hidden paths that run:
West of the moon, East of the sun.

I walk now into The Forest.

(I would like to cite and thank Raven from Raven's Rants, who wrote "The
Black Forest" which gave me the inspiration for this post His website http://www.ravensrants.com/)

what the hell am i doing?

I made one of these. I dont know why. I doubt anyone I know will read it, and that's okay. So, as I'm sitting at the computer, listening to a song-it's lyrics hitting painfully close to home-I wonder...what do I use this space for, now that I have it.

Do I talk about my day...my life? Like..a diary?

Speaking of my life...lets look at it then as this first post. Why not, right?

I met a man on the internet. At 18 I ran away from my family. From my country. From everything. My mother was deep into painkillers; so much so that during a withdrawl period I watched her smash a glass bowl and slice herself because then we'd be forced to take her to the hospital so then she could get some more pills. So like the coward I am...I ran. I was tired of being the adult in the house. Tired of going to school though I was Miss. Honor student. Tired of working and running off and sleeping with men so that I could feel loved-some of them almost 10 years older than me. I was tired. So I ran. I ran to a shinning beacon of hope. To a man who said he would always take care of me.

This man....my knight. How I love him. I married him, of course. Started a family. Moved in and immediatly became the 'mother' of his household. Feeding. Cleaning. Clothing. Fixing. Sleep. Repeat. Oh, speaking of sleep...I was so fucked up at that point and time...I barley slept more than a few hours. Thats why I started the medications. When I sat one day and seriously contemplated killing someone. I knew. I was going crazy. And I rely so much on them, now. When life gets hard and scary...pop a trazadone. When you cant stop crying for no reason... Chew a few up.

To get back on track I had a baby. Right after we married we fell through on money issues. Paying the money for birthcontrol wasnt quite as important as feeding ourselves after just taking out a loan for a $5,000.00 wedding we couldnt afford ourselves. So, the beginning of October during a immigration medical I find out the news. I'm pregnant. Joy. Another thing we cannot afford. But we worked through it. My husband took a second job at walmart. Working from 5am-10pm. In the winter he took another job hauling freight on the ice road. In the end, we had our son. Things were okay. We were coping. We were adapting.

And then...it happen. I dont know when...but after awhile it wasnt love making. It was...do it, or get bitched at for not. Then the talking stopped...along with the sharing. The will to spend time with eachother wasnt there. It became routine. He came home from work. Played on the computer. Ate. Went to bed. There was desire to have a bond and relationship...but the actions never started. My routine...no matter how much I hated it...became comfortable and common.

Then...I met a friend of a friend. Ive always been the type of person to become attached to people easily. I make friends and I immediatly love them and cherish them. Probably a bad thing. This man...this friend...well...in the end became so very much more. It started off innocently enough. We didnt talk often but when we did we had good times. We became closer and closer. Then...a situation happened. And without even realising it...it happened. I was told he was with someone...loving her...and the pain and rage tore through me. And I knew then. I started loving him. In the end...he was never with her. He went on a trip to see another. Which became a disaster. I was there for him. While he felt alone in a hotel room I tried my best to reassure him I was there for him. Kept him company. When the disaster hit...I was there. So very much wanting to take all the pain he had. My friend was heartbroken his sanity practically blown. And if I could have made a deal with the devil...I would have taken all his pain from him in a heartbeat.

It took awhile...but...things became okay. Not great-but dealable. He and I fell into a comfortable routine. Once in awhile depression...anger...frustration would take one of us. But we had a normal almost everyday thing. Wake up. Txt. Talk all day. Skype occasionally...which later became more often. He'd go to work. I'd txt and keep him company. I felt so alone then, except for when he and I talked. He became a best friend of mine. Someone I could tell all my worries and fears.

And so, the affair started. And, yes, im saying it now. I had an affair. My best friend became the man that I loved. The one that my hearts desire truley yearned for. My heart responded to his words like a magnet drawn to its partner. I couldnt escape the pull. I didnt want to. Sometimes I wonder if I still dont want to. But, in the end, the 'affair' ended. We needed space. Both of us. I became an addict and he was my heroine. His words made me soar and just seeing his face could lift me out of any slump-no matter how bad. He could make my body move for him in ways I didnt know were possible, especially for never physically being with him. I became a different me. A bolder. Confident with my body me. Doing things...showing things...saying things that I never knew I had in me.

But, we took space with the hope that it would help make our friendship stronger and our romance less. When he knew things were becomming too deep. When I knew...but didnt want to admit it. All the while as I was loving him...he knew what the right thing for me to do was. Fix things with my husband. Talk. Try and work it out. I knew, too. I just ignored it. While this 'vacation', (as i cutley called it), was taking place he began to feel for another. Strongly. I never knew how he felt for her. He never told me. All I ever knew...was the love he held for me. So, in the end, he truley loved her. And was able for a moment to call her his.


Then, the selfish bitch in me came out...the green eyed monster: jealousy. And, now that I think about it...it was so silly of me. I knew. I know. He loves...loved...me. But I realised that after it was too damn late. Why did it matter who he was with? Why did I care? Why? When all I ever desired for him was to be happy...did it truley matter that he wasnt happy with me? No. It didnt. I was married for christ sake. Trying to work on fixing said marriage!

Why...oh why...did I ever fall in love with two men?

I wont forgive myself for holding his happiness against him. I apologised. But I doubt he accepted it. What a bitch I was. After all the times I was told to never forget his love...for a split second...I forgot it and doubted it. Silly...silly...idiot girl. And in the end...that short...but powerful relationship he had romantically with that lucky girl ended.

And now...where am I?

He no longer loves me. Not romantically at least. He says it. And I believe it. It hurts. Not hearing the words from him that I held so dear. But why say the words that I want to hear...thoes three little words...when they are not genuinely felt? When you don't love someone with every fiber of your being...when every breathe they take is precious to you because it means they're living... thats when you say thoes words.

And still when we say goodbye, now that things are different between us, still I whisper to him-though he doesnt know since I dont type it-

I love you.

A habit i'll have to stop. Because...loving him...when he has no desire now to return it will only cause me more pain. I said before that meeting him was not chance. And I stand by thoes words. Knowing him...wasnt just coincidence. Two people that are/or were drawn to eachother like us..are meant to be together. As friends...or as Lovers. And now, the lovers part is dead and gone. So, i'll cherish his friendship always.

My marriage has never been better. And I will always be thankful to him for being the one cause in fixing it. I told my husband everything last night. Why I fell in love. How it happened. My childish fears of loosing him forever. He sat silent and held me as I cried about spilled my little guts about everything I ever felt and am feeling. Him...knowing full well I love this other man...and am crying for no longer being able to love him...told me it will be okay.

"We'll work it out", he says. "You'll never truly loose that guy. You were given hope of having a friendship. Take that."

And I smiled.

"...at least I can have him as a friend. Support him. Be there. And hope I get the same"

"That's right," he said to me as he held me in his arms and wiped my face.

I looked up at him...and told him the one thing I knew would never change.

"I'll always love him. I hope you know that. I might not be IN love with him. But I will love him. And I'll tell him, so."

My husband just shrugged and kissed me.

This morning I talked to that man. Things between us...certainly feel different. His pain that he feels from what happened with the other girl...its intense. And I know what hes going through.
Im just going to try to stand by him. I cant help him much. I probably can't at all, actually. But, I can try. It still hurts...to not say I love you to him. And on more than once occasion, as I was talking to him, I couldnt help thinking to myself...

What the hell am I doing?

And then I remember...
If I cant be in love with him....though there is pain in carrying that love...i'd rather feel that small insignifigant pain than the torture I felt when I tried to cut him out.