Back and Forth.

I dont know how I feel about certain things anymore. I know what I want to feel. I know what I should feel. But I can't quite place where I am right now. I feel like I'm being tugged. Back and Forth. This way and That.

I went boating for the first time yesterday. Being on the water, sitting at the front of the boat as it sliced beautifully through the dark waters of Great Slave Lake, was enlightening. I feel as if my life is like a boat-slicing through the waters of uncertainty. Sometimes, however, the waves hit the boat back. And right now the uncertainty threatens to capsize my little boat.

I need to hold strong. I need to anchor myself. I need to remember that I am in the 'friend zone' now.

And I need to drown my little green monster.

I've been smiling again and it feels good. My best friend told me the other day that I looked good and almost back to my old self again. And I smiled back and sincerly thanked her before crying.

"I'm trying my hardest", I said.

She half-smiled, understanding filling her eyes, "Thats all that matter, hun."


I'm delving myself into cooking again. It's the only thing I can do to help me pass the alone days. I'm determined to cook every recipe in a new cookbook i've recently bought. It's vegetarian-so it'll be very waistline friendly. (Which, I'm extatic about since I had an 'I'm fat and ugly' breakdown on Friday. I breifly considered diet pills, but I'm too concerned about the possibility of abusing them and ending up like my mother dearest..so I'm not going to bother)

I've cooked 6 recipes from the cookbook so far and I'm absolutley in love with it. Dinner tonight and desert will be number 7 and 8. I've never had a cookbook that I've been so interested in before so I'm loving exploring new recipes each day. Tonight it's mushroom ravioli in a sage browned butter for dinner. I hoping to sit back with something alcoholic, eat and watch TrueBlood. Relax.

I leave for vacation in 5 days. I look forward so much to it. I have so many important people that I need to see. And ones I need to hug and thank.

But again, back and forth emotions confuse me.

I need to figure things out. Now. And I need to stay strong and continue on my path through the forest.